13 November 2023
Keke Palmer has just taken one of the bravest steps in her life. She did so with courage and bravery. We love you, Keke.
I am a trained and certified domestic and sexual violence advocate. I am considered an expert in my field. I have been doing this work for more than a decade and I do not plan on stopping any time soon. So, I had to write about Keke Palmer taking her first step in recovery from a traumatic relationship. So here goes…
What is domestic violence?
Domestic violence is a pattern of abusive behavior to dominate, for power and control, that once person exerts over another. Examples of abusive behavior is coercive control (something that is now getting a lot of attention), physical violence, sexual violence (non-consensual sex), emotional violence, verbal violence, mental abuse, pet abuse, spiritual or religious abuse, and many more.
What are some red flags?
So, you know that spectacle he made out of Keke Palmer for her going to Usher’s concert? He humiliated her publicly and berated her for her outfit choice. Yea! That. When it happened, I knew that he was abusive. By now, I can smell and abuser a mile away. However, what made it clear for me is that he did not have the desire to be her ally. He wanted to humiliate her in a public way. That to me said that he felt disdain for her. That was a red flag. When he was called out for his disgusting behavior, he defended it. That to me told me that he could not see past his own need to maintain power and control. I knew that it was a matter of time before the truth was revealed.
Red flags. Those are anything that make us feel like maybe we should not be in this relationship. Red flags are not necessarily dealbreakers – but they should DEFINITELY be listened too. In order for red flags to make sense, we NEED to have boundaries and know what they are. If we do not know what our boundaries are then we will not know when someone violates them.
Now, What?
Now what, you ask? Now you did what Keke did. You leave, safely, after having safety planned. You call your local domestic violence program and ask them for help. If you have children, you make sure they are safe. You pack a back with essentials, including demographic information. Make sure you have all that you need, as if you are never going back…because you in fact should NEVER return once you’ve left. The most dangerous time for a survivor is when they flee or recently thereafter. Safety planning helps people stay safe.
My Message to Keke Palmer
First, do not go back. Keke, do not go back. As hard and tempting as it might be, do not go back. As you sit and miss all that was, that was a mirage. That was not real. Do not go back.
Second, Keke, we see you. We love you. We are grieving with you. I am sorry that you are now the 1 in 3 women that have experienced violence within their relationships. I wish that were not the case. The good news is that life after recovery is glorious.
Take time out for you. Deal with the feelings. Deal with the trauma. Journal. Love on your baby. Do not ever forget that you have people that love you.
With Love, Humility, Support, Understanding, & Grace,
Karen aka K. Lo